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  • Filling Up Your Partner's Love Tank

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    The key to a successful relationship is to stay connected. Many couples find themselves distracted by every day activities and major issues including infidelity, chronic illnesses, differences in parenting style, and communication and conflict resolution issues. This often causes couples to see their partner as the enemy and may lead to a breakdown in communication and intimacy. One way to avoid this common pitfall is to fill up your partner’s love tank as often as everyday. Keep in mind you must deposit into your partner’s Love Tank 7 times to make up for one withdrawal. There are several tools I often used to aid couples in filling up their partner’s Love Tank. The most popular tool I aid client’s in learning how to use is Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages named after his very popular bestseller. You can go to his website at and take the Love Languages quiz if you are curious about you and your partner’s top Love Languages. The 5 love languages include: quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts and acts of service. It is important to remember that one Love Language is not better than another and that it is very common for each partner’s top Love Languages to differ from each other.

    Here is a brief description of each Love Language. Quality time is simply wanting to spend time with the other person. Some people are just content to do anything together. Some people might enjoy talking and connecting or doing something specific with that quality time. Another Love Language is acts of service that is simply doing something for one’s partner whether that’s giving them a massage, fixing dinner, fixing something in the house, or building something. Another Love Language is physical touch. This is not necessarily sexual touch, but rather things like touching one another while watching a movie, holding hands, kissing, hugging or cuddling. Words of affirmation would be another Love Language. Often some people, many times women, like to be told what is about them that is so outstanding. Such as they are beautiful. Other people, many times men, like to be given accolades regarding their accomplishments (i.e.: what a wonderful job they did at work or on a project). Finally, the last Love Language is gifts. Some people like extravagant gifts and other people just like something thoughtful that says that you know them that may not cost any money or much money at all. The key is to love your partner in their Love Language. Often wires tend to cross in relationships because we love our spouse in our own Love Languages. Rather, we must learn to speak our partner’s Love Language. It is similar to having to learn Spanish in order to speak to a Spanish speaker if one’s native language is English. More often than not, partners do not share one another’s top Love Languages.

    Often we encourage partners to start off using Love Languages to fill up one another’s Love Tanks because they’re only five of them and the concept is very easy to grasp and remember. Typically, we need to concentrate on utilizing our partner’s top one or two Love Languages and doing something in those top Languages every day in order to make them feel loved. This is an easy step for partners who might be feeling unappreciated or unloved to begin to build bridges toward one another. It is also helpful to remember things in relationships are cyclical. When I am filling my partner’s love tank they are more likely to want to fill mine.

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